My loneliness is 6'1" with short, vivid brown hair,big bright eyes, dimples, and a too-wide smile. When it got so bad that I couldn't help but cry and clutch myself he would visit me. He visited me for many many years, for as long as I could remember.
Since I was a tiny kid I had known him, and eventually I fell in love with him. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life, I trusted him to the maximum capacity for me to trust. I loved him more than anyone I've ever loved in my entire life, I loved him to the maximum capacity for me to love.
After our adventures, as we winded down from our exhaustion, I would tell him how much I loved him. I would say it over and over again because I didn't know how to make words big enough to say it only once. And he would listen, and grin, and take my face in his hands, and say "Me too, sunshine. Me too."
One day, God thought he loved him more than me and decided to take him away. Then, he never came to see me again.
These days I'm not so lonely. I have a family that loves me very much, and I've learned to like the quiet space that surrounds me when I am by myself. And if I live a thousand years more I will never forget his dimples or the way he loved me. I miss him so much."When love is eternal, even God bends his rule." I've always believed in this. As silly as it sounds, deep down I believe that one day he will walk through that door and take me away.
Would you sell your soul if the conditions of the contract were not eternal damnation after death but rather a guarantee of oblivion? No pain, no muss, no fuss, you're piece isn't captured it's just...flicked off the board. Whether or not the hindus, the mormons, the wiccans, or the athiests are right you have the oppourtunity to trade whatever chance you have of consciousness beyond death for a handful of wishes.
Seriously consider this. I have. I would do it if in return I got the following things:
1. A cure for cancer, and an assured continued lifespan of at least another eighty years,
2. Him. By my side. Alive. Forever.
and 3. Fairly powerful telekinesis. Think later levels of Elebits.
Something happened two days ago. God, why am I such a moron? Pffft.
I just said "Bikini Off" really loud and then I turned around and my friend's parents were right behind me. Great. So awkward. Now I can never go onto the first floor of his house ever again for fear of running into them and reliving that one most awkward of moments.
Contingency plans:
1. I'm going to have to climb in and out of his second floor window via rope ladder.
2. Engineer some sort of medium-large explosion in their back yard as a distraction every time I want to rush through the living room and to the stairs.
3. Take his parents out to dinner and spend an hour and a half trying to explain that what I actually said was "zuchinni loft".
4. Try to convince them that inner-wear are a valid form of marital aids and self-expression for their marriage. Bring some of my pamphlets for the Billabong Summer Collection. Oooh! Genius, Fyy!
That's all I've got. I need help, this dude owns a Playstation 3 and I really don't want to stop visiting him. His parents are Atheists.
(Say that they heard it wrongly, Ryan. Seriously, not funny dude.)
Moving on.
Profundity! Why do you fill me, and leave me no way to express you? If only, if only, if only I were in Alaska, on a mountaintop, watching everything I love expire in a chasm beneath me! If only I expressed a latent telekinesis, just as zombies attacked and the world needed me most! If only my REAL father descended on a silver chariot from the sky, Baron of all the Andromeda, and asked me to ascend with him, to rule in perpetuity! Only such magnificent circumstances would give me the oppourtunity to express such profundity!
But instead, here I languish. No catastrophe, no telekinesis, no way to posess a galaxy with an iron fist of terror and discipline. Only a basket of dirty laundry waiting to be sorted into colors, whites, and darks, and an obliviously cheerful cat who would enjoy a bit of attention and maybe a small piece of fish.
At least I'll assume I made at least one of you aliens laugh. A make-believe-cyborg making an alien laugh. Dang, that is super duper cool. Lemme contact NASA. Nah, I'm kidding. Do not attempt to laugh or I will make you say cyborg over and over and over again.
Articial flavourings make me whine. Sorry. My bad.
Just for giggs.
Does "eternal love" exists?
- Yes
- No
- Blah, no such thing, furrreek.
Some say it is a legend, a myth, the dream of a madman.
Others swear up and down they have seen it with their own cursed eyes. But they are few, and never believed. Enslaved for 49 milleniums, it will know no rest. It will know no mercy. It is the damned.
"It is forever."
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
101 Guide to Bagging Babes for Dummies
If you are female, you're in the wrong spot.
Note: I decided to post this as part of my series on dating and attracting a mate. *nod* I'M DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE HERE, PEOPLE.
I'm like the pickin' up chicks expert now. I know all the tricks.
Here are a few pointers from me to you.
1. If you can position yourself next to the women's bathroom, you can hit on every girl in the place. A gal's gotta pee, you know. And all those players are buying them drinks, fattening them up for the kill. Another plus is that they often go in groups, so you've got your pick.
2. Try to have an endless store of inappropriate, crass jokes. Chicks really dig them. Especially if they are insinuating toward women. Even bumper sticker quotes work.
3. Talk about failed relationships a LOT. Emphasize that it was all "that chick's fault" so your new prospect doesn't think *you* have faults.
4. Shoot for the girl who makes an obvious effort to not look at you and turns away when you walk toward her. She's just playing hard to get.
5. Invite her to your church. Make sure you mention a few times that it's the biggest church in town. Cause we all know what it means when a guy has a big church. *wink*
6. The best time to get a girl is when your girlfriend/wife is sitting at the table with you. Don't just take an admiring look, go on and get handsy. Maybe you can get some threesome action going (not literally I mean, that would just be plain wrong).
7. When the girl makes fun of you and then eventually completely ignores you, and possibly starts talking to other people, sometimes calling someone over to get rid of you, it's a great sign. Kind of like pulling a girl's pigtails in elementary school. She wants you bad. Go wait by her car.
8. Try using some really good pick up lines that she's probably heard before but are so timeless, they'll still work...anything involving her legs being tired from running through your mind all day, breaking laws by being so beautiful, or wearing space pants are definite winners. Girls love a guy with a memory and no class.
9. If she's not drinking and declines your offer to buy her drinks, send them anyway. Peer pressure has worked for tons of people, and odds are she's going to need to be reeeeally drunk to see you as attractive.
10. Dance seductively in your sweatpants and crocs. Then go conduct the band. Then harrass the band and claim to know Carlos Santana. Throwing in a bit about writing songs for Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young or James Taylor is impressive. She'll never know that you're lying. Unless she knows someone who knows Carlos Santana, who happens to be there, who calls him and makes you look like an idiot. *shrug*
11. Breath only through your mouth.. And cry because you think you're falling in love.
I've seen all of these in action...they are winners. *nod*
Some people I know swear by #1.
DICLAIMER: I don't do refunds. I'm sorry if they don't work on your account. But look on the bright side, maybe you're secretly gay.
Sshhh! =)
ITT I Tell... Your Deepest Darkest Secret giggs.
hotchild**** is fond of the noise of hard candies being broken atop a brass doorknob with a patent-leather shoe.
Nyss* is a regional semi-finalist in Cooperative Leg Displaying on an Uneven Surface.
siphonoph**: Five years ago today you finally met Drew Carey in person on the set of his show. You waited for three hours at the side after the show, as close to the dressing rooms as security would let you get, when finally he came out with a bottle of water in one hand and a script in the other. You looked at him, your eyes so full of love, and maybe he sensed something because he stopped and asked you how you were and if you had enjoyed the show. You took a deep breath, clenched your hands, looked him straight in the eye, and croaked out "I like turtles." He smiled, and patted you on the back, and walked on. You tried to call out, "Drew Carey, I love you!" but your throat had clenched up the second he touched you, even as your heart keeps jumping up and down. Tonight you're going to get naked, drink wine, watch The Price is Right, and cry for hours.
For the love of God. Sheesh.
XOXO,
A-full-of-AlfredoSaucePasta-Fyy.
Note: I decided to post this as part of my series on dating and attracting a mate. *nod* I'M DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE HERE, PEOPLE.
I'm like the pickin' up chicks expert now. I know all the tricks.
Here are a few pointers from me to you.
1. If you can position yourself next to the women's bathroom, you can hit on every girl in the place. A gal's gotta pee, you know. And all those players are buying them drinks, fattening them up for the kill. Another plus is that they often go in groups, so you've got your pick.
2. Try to have an endless store of inappropriate, crass jokes. Chicks really dig them. Especially if they are insinuating toward women. Even bumper sticker quotes work.
3. Talk about failed relationships a LOT. Emphasize that it was all "that chick's fault" so your new prospect doesn't think *you* have faults.
4. Shoot for the girl who makes an obvious effort to not look at you and turns away when you walk toward her. She's just playing hard to get.
5. Invite her to your church. Make sure you mention a few times that it's the biggest church in town. Cause we all know what it means when a guy has a big church. *wink*
6. The best time to get a girl is when your girlfriend/wife is sitting at the table with you. Don't just take an admiring look, go on and get handsy. Maybe you can get some threesome action going (not literally I mean, that would just be plain wrong).
7. When the girl makes fun of you and then eventually completely ignores you, and possibly starts talking to other people, sometimes calling someone over to get rid of you, it's a great sign. Kind of like pulling a girl's pigtails in elementary school. She wants you bad. Go wait by her car.
8. Try using some really good pick up lines that she's probably heard before but are so timeless, they'll still work...anything involving her legs being tired from running through your mind all day, breaking laws by being so beautiful, or wearing space pants are definite winners. Girls love a guy with a memory and no class.
9. If she's not drinking and declines your offer to buy her drinks, send them anyway. Peer pressure has worked for tons of people, and odds are she's going to need to be reeeeally drunk to see you as attractive.
10. Dance seductively in your sweatpants and crocs. Then go conduct the band. Then harrass the band and claim to know Carlos Santana. Throwing in a bit about writing songs for Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young or James Taylor is impressive. She'll never know that you're lying. Unless she knows someone who knows Carlos Santana, who happens to be there, who calls him and makes you look like an idiot. *shrug*
11. Breath only through your mouth.. And cry because you think you're falling in love.
I've seen all of these in action...they are winners. *nod*
Some people I know swear by #1.
DICLAIMER: I don't do refunds. I'm sorry if they don't work on your account. But look on the bright side, maybe you're secretly gay.
Sshhh! =)
ITT I Tell... Your Deepest Darkest Secret giggs.
hotchild**** is fond of the noise of hard candies being broken atop a brass doorknob with a patent-leather shoe.
Nyss* is a regional semi-finalist in Cooperative Leg Displaying on an Uneven Surface.
siphonoph**: Five years ago today you finally met Drew Carey in person on the set of his show. You waited for three hours at the side after the show, as close to the dressing rooms as security would let you get, when finally he came out with a bottle of water in one hand and a script in the other. You looked at him, your eyes so full of love, and maybe he sensed something because he stopped and asked you how you were and if you had enjoyed the show. You took a deep breath, clenched your hands, looked him straight in the eye, and croaked out "I like turtles." He smiled, and patted you on the back, and walked on. You tried to call out, "Drew Carey, I love you!" but your throat had clenched up the second he touched you, even as your heart keeps jumping up and down. Tonight you're going to get naked, drink wine, watch The Price is Right, and cry for hours.
For the love of God. Sheesh.
XOXO,
A-full-of-AlfredoSaucePasta-Fyy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)