Note: I decided to post this as part of my series on dating and attracting a mate. *nod* I'M DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE HERE, PEOPLE.
I'm like the pickin' up chicks expert now. I know all the tricks.
Here are a few pointers from me to you.
1. If you can position yourself next to the women's bathroom, you can hit on every girl in the place. A gal's gotta pee, you know. And all those players are buying them drinks, fattening them up for the kill. Another plus is that they often go in groups, so you've got your pick.
2. Try to have an endless store of inappropriate, crass jokes. Chicks really dig them. Especially if they are insinuating toward women. Even bumper sticker quotes work.
3. Talk about failed relationships a LOT. Emphasize that it was all "that chick's fault" so your new prospect doesn't think *you* have faults.
4. Shoot for the girl who makes an obvious effort to not look at you and turns away when you walk toward her. She's just playing hard to get.
5. Invite her to your church. Make sure you mention a few times that it's the biggest church in town. Cause we all know what it means when a guy has a big church. *wink*
6. The best time to get a girl is when your girlfriend/wife is sitting at the table with you. Don't just take an admiring look, go on and get handsy. Maybe you can get some threesome action going (not literally I mean, that would just be plain wrong).
7. When the girl makes fun of you and then eventually completely ignores you, and possibly starts talking to other people, sometimes calling someone over to get rid of you, it's a great sign. Kind of like pulling a girl's pigtails in elementary school. She wants you bad. Go wait by her car.
8. Try using some really good pick up lines that she's probably heard before but are so timeless, they'll still work...anything involving her legs being tired from running through your mind all day, breaking laws by being so beautiful, or wearing space pants are definite winners. Girls love a guy with a memory and no class.
9. If she's not drinking and declines your offer to buy her drinks, send them anyway. Peer pressure has worked for tons of people, and odds are she's going to need to be reeeeally drunk to see you as attractive.
10. Dance seductively in your sweatpants and crocs. Then go conduct the band. Then harrass the band and claim to know Carlos Santana. Throwing in a bit about writing songs for Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young or James Taylor is impressive. She'll never know that you're lying. Unless she knows someone who knows Carlos Santana, who happens to be there, who calls him and makes you look like an idiot. *shrug*
11. Breath only through your mouth.. And cry because you think you're falling in love.
I've seen all of these in action...they are winners. *nod*
Some people I know swear by #1.
DICLAIMER: I don't do refunds. I'm sorry if they don't work on your account. But look on the bright side, maybe you're secretly gay.
Sshhh! =)
ITT I Tell... Your Deepest Darkest Secret giggs.
hotchild**** is fond of the noise of hard candies being broken atop a brass doorknob with a patent-leather shoe.
Nyss* is a regional semi-finalist in Cooperative Leg Displaying on an Uneven Surface.
siphonoph**: Five years ago today you finally met Drew Carey in person on the set of his show. You waited for three hours at the side after the show, as close to the dressing rooms as security would let you get, when finally he came out with a bottle of water in one hand and a script in the other. You looked at him, your eyes so full of love, and maybe he sensed something because he stopped and asked you how you were and if you had enjoyed the show. You took a deep breath, clenched your hands, looked him straight in the eye, and croaked out "I like turtles." He smiled, and patted you on the back, and walked on. You tried to call out, "Drew Carey, I love you!" but your throat had clenched up the second he touched you, even as your heart keeps jumping up and down. Tonight you're going to get naked, drink wine, watch The Price is Right, and cry for hours.
For the love of God. Sheesh.
XOXO,
A-full-of-AlfredoSaucePasta-Fyy.
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