Dear An,
I don't know where to begin, or what to say. It's painful for me to remember that part of my life. I very cleverly managed to suppress those memories not knowing that if they were dealt with openly, they would not go away, but would fester like a boil waiting to be opened.
A lot has happened to me since you left. It took me a long time to comprehend and understand what and why it happened. I don't think we have ever discussed the possibility of you leaving me all alone here when we were still together. I was probably too scared to ask. I do recall wondering to myself how it was possible for someone you share a life with for so many years to just leave abruptly without leaving anything behind.
Do you have any notion of what it is like to live in grief and regret? To lie in bed with the covers over your head, pretending to be asleep, listening to your heart beating rapidly, holding on to every thread of memory as tight as you can? I cannot comprehend the very feeling of helplessness every single day I come back home, faced with memories of us on every four corners of the wall. Putting a wall up in front of the very people I meet after the fateful event so that I would not crumble in front of them if word gets out in fear they will all judge. I suppose it's always convenient to be able to run away from the cold hard truth without facing up to it.
The truth of the matter is that I didn't have the strength or the confidence to do anything about my situation. I felt trapped, and was afraid that I wouldn't be able to manage on my own. We all have our limits.
You always told me how tough I was, how I can take care of myself and how you didn't have to worry about my well-being. You are wrong, I am wreck without you. A total utter wreck. I'm scared, of not knowing the possibility of the future ahead.
Please, come back. And save me. Save me for the first and last time. I need you more than anything. Please.
Yours forever,
Fyy
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