Everyone hates getting dumped, but sometimes it's just a part of life. I'm working on a new series about what to do when things go sour and figured I would jot down some quick tips for you guys on how to get dumped without looking like a fool or feeling like a jerk.
1. When he/she dumps you, you don't want to be seen as indifferent. Make sure you scream, cry, whine, and kick in response to 'we need to talk'. Nothing convinces someone they are making a mistake like an adult with their face covered in snot.
2. Afterwards, you will need to do a little damage control. You want to make sure all your friends, and particularly his/her family know that it was in no way your fault. Saying something like 'I don't know what's going on with him/her. Maybe he/she is on drugs!' to her parents will have the added bonus of showing that you aren't bitter. just concerned.
3. If you think this breakup was a mistake, you want to draw out the separation process as long as possible so he/she has a chance to see that they have made a mistake. Try returning their stuff one item at a time. Don't cheat. One item at a time. Ka-bish?
4. It isn't enough for them to just see you, though. You want to show them how well you are doing. Drop by drunk in the middle of the night to return their favorite sweater. They will have just spent a night home alone and will see that your social life isn't suffering a bit. You will look fun and carefree. Bonus points for bringing the girl/guy from the bar you just picked up. Nothing inspires a person like jealousy.
5. At the same time, it would be a shame for them to think you'd gotten over them. Call them frequently throughout the day for small talk. Or to discuss things of theirs that you still have.
6. Even people who are the dumpers miss having someone to rely on. Bring breakfast or supper for them with a smug smile, the in-the-face kind. That will teach them what they're missing. Oooh.
7. When it becomes obvious that they are not going to come back to you, go back to your original goal of damage control and make sure everyone knows that it wasn't only not your fault, it was entirely theirs. Sometimes this isn't possible without my next tip.
8. Rewrite history. Remember that time she ate the last of your ice cream because she was 'hungry'? Passive aggression. Remember that time he had to get a ride home when his car broke down? Desperate affair. The more delusions you can create, the more on your side your friends and family will be.
9. Now that it is over, you just want to get on your way, right? But you can't do that without your fair share of your stuff. And she is not getting one coaster more than is due to her. Suing someone over a coaster might seem silly *now*, but think of the lesson she will learn if you just let her keep it! She can hurt whoever she wants and profit??? She is entitled to more than her share??? No, sir.and finally,
10. After she at last hands over your much deserved coaster, you should probably take some time to look within to see where you went wrong. if you do this right, it will result in drunken nights in bars whining at strangers, phonecalls at 2am to apologize for that time you put dish detergent in the dishwasher and it flooded on the floor, and every friend you have screening their calls so they don't have to hear how he never even really loved you.
Remember kids: Alcohol adds moral clarity and improves your reasoning ability, so be sure to only call when you are wasted.
Oh. An alternative.
Another way to show them you aren't giving up without a fight is to "borrow" one of the keyless entry keyfobs for their car (bonus points if it has a remote start option). Hide in the bushes and every night, about half an hour after the bedroom lights are off, push the panic button. Repeat as necessary. This will prevent them from sleeping too much, thus weakening their resistance for when you make your appeal.
Breaking up really is hard to do, but i hope my tips can make it just a tiny bit easier and help you move on to the all important rebounding (secretly stalking) stage.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not the party of interest contributing to your DUI. Please. I don't even know you, for goodness's sake.
Just for giggs.
Imagine that you witness your next door neighbors discreetly smoking Mary Jane on their own property. Which would be closest to your response?
- I'd call the police immediately.
- I'd warn them
- Next time I'll call the police.
- I'd ask them if I could join in.
- Nothing. I'd be as friendly (or not) as always.
HAH. Calling the police to rat your neighbors out for smoking weed. Isn't this supposedly bad for your karma? What goes around... comes around. Sheesh.
You'll be that kid who ratted on someone. What does that spell? D-O-R-K.
I can't even remember if this has ever even happened to anyone I've known (that wasn't living in the dorms overseas, at least). =)
Signing off,
A-Full-Of-Fastfood-Fyy.
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