I Think It's Time We Stop Pretending That You Didn't Break My Heart

I am whispering. It feels so long. I am forgetting how you sound. Your voice is a wisp of vague recollections. I crunch up my face to remember, in vain. Your laugh no longer haunts me. Your thoughts are seldom visitors and have learned to knock. Your words don't make sense and I can no longer connect with them. Is this sad? I wouldn't know. I have stopped feeling. 

I think of you. From time to time. But emotions don't well up anymore. And there are no tears to fight back. My heart doesn't hurt. It continues pumping nonchalantly, doing the required. The bare minimum. It's tired. Tired of all the sleepless nights and the broken beats. Burdened. Vexed. Weakened. Scared.

I spent a little part of the night out in the balcony. In my sleeping bag. It was cold. And my cardigan smelled of you. I could see the stars. I think I missed you then. In that moment. When the melancholia sliced through my skin and the moon shone despondently over me, trying to stop the bleeding. Annoyed. Give me a smile, everything around me seemed to say. But you are not here. And it feels a waste to even try.

You don't have a clue.

What it's like to be next to you

And I am here to tell you

That it is good

That it is true.

And we are talking through the hours. About corporate attire, interviews and being too choosy. I am pretending to be miffed. But I am not. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. It's night. And you are wonderful company. But you know that already.

You are such a miracle to me.

I wish there were more just like you.

You are not like all the others

And that is why I love you

Are you ma raison d'etre? Am I on the wrong track? Will I meet anyone like you? Everyone needs to be somebody. Everyone needs to find someone who cares. I don't know if you know what I mean...

I want to be dissolved into this night. It is too beautiful to not want to be a part of. I want to disappear into its opaque curtains. I want to be lifted from myself and taken far away. Or maybe I just want to disintegrate into little molecules and float through the air and away. I have always wanted to be in more than one place at a time. And standing with one foot across the border just won't do it for me.

That look you give that girl you're in love with.

I wanna see

Looking right at me.

When I go to bed, I dream of you. And when I wake up I dream some more. It's quiet at your side of the world. I wonder what's happening. You miss me. I know. You don't have to say it and you won't. You miss the laughter. The witty banter. The random journeys. The shared dreams. On nights like these, I miss you too. But you don't know.