You’ve only been gone for a day, but I already miss you. I’d formed an emotional attachment to you, one so deep that you’ll probably be one of my favourites for all my life.
You’ve been like teacher to me, teaching me important lessons about Life with all the seriousness of buying me a cone of ice cream. The opportunities you threw my way changed my life completely, when I was least expecting it. The growing-up I’ve had in the last 6 months has been incredibly overwhelming, and it’s something almost tangible, because I can see what has changed about myself and how I treat situations differently now than I would have before.
It was with you that I started writing again in my blog, something that became one of the biggest parts of me surprisingly soon after its inception. It has helped me understand myself better, has taught me how best to live with myself and what, according to me, is the best form of catharsis. I’ve grown as a writer as well, and for that I can’t express my gratitude in words, ironic as that might be.
You gifted me with depth of character at the same time as showing me shallowness. You taught me about the futility of pushing a wall, about failure, change, paradigm shifts, acceptance, freedom, peace, love and hate. You instilled in me a kind of confidence I didn’t know I could ever possess, a kind of acceptance I didn’t think I could allow.
You taught me to apologise for mistakes I’ve made, to be able to face the consequences of a bad decision, to be accountable, to hold the reigns of my own life and steer. With you around, I learnt to accept realities about myself that I’d long since repressed, and you gave me the confidence to be who I am and live life on my own terms unapologetically. You taught me to be straightforward with myself, which today, helps me be straightforward with others. I may still have defences, but I can say with all honesty that there are barely any that I consciously keep up myself, and the ones that I do, I’m aware of and can admit to having.
As a lesson for earlier in my life having been presumptuous enough to label certain activities as those I’d “never deign to do”, you somehow manoeuvred my life to take a path where these activities became a common, everyday occurrence. If the girl I was two years ago met the girl I am today, she’d walk past the current me, without the slightest idea of recognition.
You changed my ideas about Life and the Future and career completely. I used to see myself studying to be a work-driven, focused, ambitious career woman, but today, all I know about the future is that I want to travel and write and read, with an endless supply of music and you by my side as my only company. “Float” is probably a more appropriate word for what I want to do.
You gave me the opportunities for several out-of-body experiences, each of which has made me a more introspective and deeper person. By introducing yourself in my life and making me incredibly attached to you, you taught me about sickness of the mind. You showed me the difference between physical relationships backed by emotion and sentiment, and physical involvements based on unfamiliarity and alien-ness.
You thrust me in crowds and then shut me up in solitary confinement, and made me learn to appreciate both situations. You taught me to stop judging myself, and now I don’t judge others, either. You taught me to value and give attention to only things that matter, and let unimportant people and objects and desires slide.
You taught me to take charge of my own life, yet you withheld from me the satisfaction and experience of having certain desires fulfilled, if you thought I wasn’t really ready for them yet. You made sure I learnt to swallow the bitter medicine, only to find out that it works wonders and has me in the pink of health in a matter of hours. You massaged my aching bones and soaked my pain when I needed it, but then walloped me mercilessly when I got complacent or began to drift away from myself.
With your hands holding me steady, I leapt across a chasm, and grew to be a happier person.
Thank you for all that, and more. I will always cherish and appreciate the memories I have of you, if not as the luckiest time of my life, at least as one of the best year of my adolescence.
With love and affection,
Fyy
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